MARITAL TIME-OUTS: 7-steps to better communication skills

Vicious Circle Arguments? Explosive Disagreements? Here is a simple 7-step program to help you break bad habits & build better communication skills.

The marital time-out program is designed to help couples who frequently fall into vicious-circle, explosive or nonproductive arguments.  It is designed to help you pull the plug on overheated emotions and gradually nudge you into more productive ways of handling your problems.  Like any other new habit it will take practice to make it work.  Don’t get frustrated if your first few times are less than perfect.  If you find it difficult for you or your spouse to put it fully into effect, don’t give up – just try to practice using it on less intense issues first or try to call time-outs earlier in an argument before the emotions get out of hand.  This program is designed to help the two of you find your way to better communication skills and a more satisfying relationship.

1. AGREE ON A TIME-OUT SIGNAL – Agree ahead of time on a time out signal, this can be the same as in sport, making a ’T’ with your hands, or anything else that works for you, for instance if you have kids you may want to use a secret code word instead.
2. AGREE ON TIME-OUT PLACES – Choose a place where each of you will go for some alone time.  It’s important for both of you to have a separate place that you can go, instead of just having one of you leave.  Pick a place that tends to make you calm. For instance the husband may go to his man-cave in the basement and the wife may go to the master bedroom, or one may go out to sit in their car and listen to music while the other goes in the spare bedroom. Make sure to have your time-out place stocked with calming activities, music, novels, crosswords, sudoku, exercise equipment, your yoga mat or whatever works for you. All of this is planned in advance and try to keep your safe place the same each time.
3. AGREE ON AN ALL-CLEAR SIGNAL – Agree on an all-clear signal to let each other know that it is safe to end the time-out. The all clear signal can be a text, voicemail, email, knock on the wall or any other signal that will not require you to actually talk to your spouse.  The all clear lets your spouse know that you are ready, whenever they are, to end the time-out. Alternatively, if your time-out places are both private (e.g. one of you is in the master bedroom and the other is in the spare bedroom) then each of you can simply leave the time-out place once you are no longer in fight-or-flight and you can go into common areas like the kitchen or living room.
4. FIRE DRILL – The reason that people do fire drills is that it is the best way to assure that you do the right thing even when you are in a panic (i.e. fight-or-flight).  So if you don’t practice this program when you are calm you are not going to be able to make it work when you are in fight-or-flight:
   • DRY RUN – First do a dry run.  Have a play discussion and have one of you call a time-out with the signal.  Then go to your safe places and send the all-clear signal.
   • AT LEAST 1 FIRE DRILL EACH – Then at some time over the next few days each of you should call a fake time-out.  This should happen when you are actually talking about something so that your spouse may think that you are serious. Then as soon as you go to your safe places send them a message that it was a fire drill.
5. RECOGNIZE FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT – Your fight-or-flight reaction was designed to help you deal with lions and tigers and bears and it causes a flood of stress hormones.  For some people this is obvious to everyone around while other people can be in full-fledged fight-or-flight and look calm on the outside.  It is important for you to be able to tell when you are in fight-or-flight and when your spouse is in fight-or-flight.  Here are some of the signs:
   • HEART RATE/ BLOOD PRESSURE – If you feel your blood pressure or heart rate go up, you are in fight-or-flight
   • BLOOD RUSH – If your face gets red or you feel the veins in your head bulging or throbbing you are in fight-or-flight.
   • BODY TENSION – If you feel yourself clenching your jaw or tightening your fist, you are in fight-or-flight. 
   • LOUD OR HIGH VOICE – If your voice gets louder or your voice pitch rises you are in fight-or-flight.
   • BROKEN-RECORD ARGUMENTS- If you become a broken record and find yourself saying the same thing in the same way you did in the last 5 fights about that topic you are in fight-or-flight. 
   • NEGATIVE-FOCUS – If you can only see the negative and only remember all the negative things your spouse has done you are in fight-or-flight.
   • HITTING BELOW THE BELT – If you start saying things that you are likely going to regret tomorrow you are in fight-or-flight.
   • SELF-CENTERED – If you can’t see and understand things from your spouse’s perspective you are in fight-or-flight.
   • MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY – If you are convinced that you are right and that there is no other way to understand or handle the situation you are in fight-or-flight.
   • FINGER-POINTING – If you are certain that your spouse is completely to blame for the problem and that all would be wonderful if only your spouse would change you are in fight-or-flight.
6. CALL A TIME-OUT WHEN EITHER OF YOU ARE IN FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT – You call a time-out whenever you feel yourself or think that your spouse is going into fight-or-flight.  This is critical because if one of you is in fight-or-flight then you know that no amount of talking is going to help, that you will never solve the problem.  If both of you are in fight-or-flight then you know that any further talking is actually going to make things worse.  If you aren’t sure if one of you is in fight-or-flight it is better be safe and call a time-out.  It is important that both of you agree not to second guess a time-out:
   • DON’T DISPUTE THE TIME-OUT – Do not argue that you are not angry, just take the time out.
   • DON’T CONTINUE ARGUING – Do not continue to make whatever point you were trying to make or try to have the last word, try to stop mid-sentence and just take the time-out.
7. RECONVENE AFTER THE ALL-CLEAR – Once both of you have received an all-clear you can end the time-out.  Do not try to talk about the issue in any way for at least a couple of hours.  (I will give you additional steps that you can take to address really hot issues in next week’s post.)  The important thing is that you only end the time-out when you are 100% sure that you are out of fight-or-flight. Take your heart rate, if its still elevated above what it is normally or if any of the other symptoms listed in step 5 still apply to you then you need to do some more calming things before giving the all-clear.